I have lost two children in the last nine years and suffered two miscarriges so I don't really know where to start.

First my son Andrew died at four and a half years old by choking on some food, he was my first born son. I have never really got over losing Andrew but I seem to have started coping with the grief when about two and a half years after he died I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and the baby just came away. So I suffered a silent miscarriage at that time.

More recently in November 1999, I suffered a blighted ovum at 11 weeks and had to go and have an operation to have the baby removed. After this operation I suffered from severe depression and nearly had a nervous breakdown. I was lucky to have my family and friends for support. I went on after this to have two more children and all my children are completely and totally loved, I have five altogether.

I found I was pregnant in February last year (2004) and it was a huge shock but a very much wanted baby as this was my last chance to have a baby. I was ill through my pregnancy which was to be expected and the baby was due on 13th December 2004 when on the 2nd December I started suffering agonising stomach pains and I could hardly walk after picking up my two youngest children from school with my now ex-partner. I crawled upstairs and lay down on the bed after a while I felt a dropping sensation down below and shouted my ex to phone for an ambulance as I sat up lots of blood came gushing out and as my waters had not broken during the first stages of labour before I didn't know what to expect.

The ambulance arrived at one o'clock and more blood gushed out as I was helped down the stairs out to the ambulance. I arrived at Bodelwyddan hospital at around ten past one and then everything happened at once. I don't really remember much of this time but I was rushed to theatre and had an emergency ceasarean. I came round at about 2.30 and no one would tell me if my baby was alright and then I was told I had suffered a placental abruption and the baby had died and I had lost so much blood myself I nearly lost my own life too.

At first it was so hard to take in the fact I could carry a baby for 9 months and my baby boy wasn't alive it hasn't really got any easier. At the moment everywhere I go at the moment there seems to be new born babies. I am gratefull I have got my other children and some people have said to me at least you've got the others but it's not that I love them any less but I want my baby boy back.

My baby boys name is Jed Bryce Dovey and he was very much wanted and loved. I will miss him forever, he will always be in my heart and I know that Andrew and Jed are together looking after each other.