We went to our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday, March 23rd excited for a chance to see our baby. Unfortunately we received the news that our baby's heart had stopped beating and the doctor suspected Turner's Syndrome. We went home to have time to digest what was happening, and returned to the hospital at 8am on the 24th to start labor. The hardest part was walking past the nursery window and seeing the precious babies and hearing their sweet cries. I broke down outside the door and Damion just held me for a while before we went in. The hospital staff and my doctor were amazing, they had a very private room for us away from all of the regular rooms. The doctor tried three times over the next eight hours to induce labor, finally the contractions started shortly after 6pm. They started coming a little harder around 8pm, so they gave me an epidural before they got to be really painful - the doctor said he didn't want me to have to feel any physical pain, and I didn't. We were able to rest a little that night.

A little after 5am my water broke. I sent Damion to get the nurse and she and the doctor came in. He sat at the foot of my bed and delivered Lainey. They took her right away to clean her up, I was just looking at Damion the whole time while holding his hand and crying. Shortly after that, the placenta finally
delivered as well. The doctor had explained before he brought Lainey in what she would look like to prepare us, and then he brought her in all wrapped up. He unwrapped her and placed her in my lap, she was so delicate and frail. Her abdomen didn't completely close, her arms and legs were short for her age, she had a very large fluid filled cyst on the back of her neck going down her back. Her neck was thick, which he said is indicative, along with some of the other signs, of Turner's syndrome.

The hospital gave us some beautiful keepsakes, including Lainey's handprints and footprints, and the hat and booties they put next to her in her picture. My doctor was amazing, he is one of the most compassionate and caring people I've ever met. We cannot imagine having to go through this without him. We left the hospital at 8:30 that morning, and as I got into the car I saw Kennedy's empty car seat in the back and felt empty - I have an empty womb and empty arms. The love and support we've received has been amazing and ultimately that will get us through this.

One special thing that happened that morning I want to share too. I sent Damion outside because I knew he wanted to go have a smoke, and when he came back he told me as he was sitting on the steps of the building next to the hospital saying a prayer for Lainey, a huge flock of blackbirds flew over head. I told him that was God's way of letting him know she was free now, and safe in Heaven with Him and with Damion's dad - Papa Stan. We have always thought of his dad when we've heard the song "blackbird" by the Beatles, now we will always think of our precious angel flying with her papa.

"Blackbird sing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly,
all my life,
you were always
waiting for this moment to be free.
Black bird fly..."

Her tiny hand I'll never hold.
Her tiny feet I'll never tickle.
Her tiny smile I'll never see.
Her tiny face I'll never forget.
How could someone so small
Leave a void so infinite?

~ by Angie Kreger ~

In a moment of passion
you were conceived -
so loved so wanted.
In a moment of anticipation
I waited...
Two lines! I'm having a baby!!
In a moment of joy
I saw you in my womb -
your little heart beating away.
In a moment, my life changed forever
"I'm sorry, your baby's heart
has stopped beating."
In a moment, you were gone
and I was broken -
My heart, my soul, my spirit.
In a moment of peace
you were born still
My sweet little girl, too beautiful for earth.

~ by Angie Kreger ~

I am a Mother

You may not see my child
You may not think I am a mother
But take a closer look
And you will see a love like no other

You see I am a Mom
To an Angel in Heaven above
It takes a special woman
To carry around that kind of love

I love my child so very much
and I know that my child loves me
It is such a powerful love
That I had to set my angel free

I spend many nights crying
Sometimes it's hard to get through just a day
But for another minute or even a second with her
There's no price that I wouldn't pay

I will carry this grief for a lifetime on Earth
I traded it for the pain she will never know
And though I didn't choose this gift
It's the ultimate display of love I can show

So while you may see arms that are empty
My heart is very full of love
For the child that made me a Mother
Who is waiting for me in Heaven above

~ by Angie Kreger ~